The Grief No One Talks About in Life Transitions
Maybe you've felt unexpectedly heavy when a longtime friendship naturally faded, or found yourself grieving while finally leaving a job that wasn't serving you. You might be looking at a parent with Alzheimer's, mourning the person you've always known who isn't always there anymore. Or you could be in the midst of healing past trauma and experiencing the ache of recognizing the childhood you never got to have.
Most of us expect to grieve death or divorce. Yet many of us don't anticipate the grief that comes with outgrowing previous versions of ourselves—with losing relationships or identities that weren't meant to last forever, or with seeing a life we missed out on. These experiences fall under what Dr. Pauline Boss calls ambiguous loss - losses that lack a clear timestamp, distinct closure, or established rituals to help us mourn.
Why These Losses Feel So Isolating
Unlike more recognized forms of grief, ambiguous losses don't come with widespread understanding or support. There's no funeral, no clear moment when everyone agrees something significant has ended. Yet as growing research shows, grief associated with these transitions can evoke the same challenging emotions that come with more obvious losses—intense sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety as well as physical symptoms like sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and fatigue.
The trouble is, we often underappreciate these very real losses that naturally come with growth and healing. In a culture that encourages us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, it's not uncommon to try to navigate these losses largely alone, listening to an inner critic that tells us to "get over it already" and quietly carrying a belief that something's wrong with us for feeling this way. For some, this looks like trying to bypass the grief altogether through numbing strategies—drinking, eating, doomscrolling—or by immediately replacing the discomfort with something “positive” like gratitude. To be clear, I'm not against gratitude—it has real benefits and can be a valuable part of healing. But when gratitude becomes a way to avoid feeling discomfort or grief rather than allowing space for it, it can prolong the process.
Here's what I've learned in twenty years of working with people navigating life transitions: losses that come with transitions warrant acknowledgment. They deserve our attention and care. And recognizing any grief that is present is a key step. We can then honor these losses with intention and support while still moving forward.
Finding Your Way Through
However ambiguous loss is showing up, here are some approaches that can help you navigate it with compassion:
Practicing Mindfulness and Self-Care: Grief—even ambiguous grief—needs space to breathe. Regular self-compassion breaks - literally pausing to acknowledge "this is hard right now", "I'm not the only one who would find this difficult", and offering yourself the same kindness you'd give a friend - can both interrupt the cycle of self-criticism and activate the inherently soothing part of your nervous system. Journaling can help you notice patterns and give voice to losses that might otherwise go unspoken. Time in nature can provide perspective and a sense of connection beyond your current struggles.
Creating Your Own Rituals: Since ambiguous losses often don't come with established ceremonies, you might benefit from creating your own. This could look like writing a letter to the friend you've grown apart from (whether it makes sense to send or not), creating a small ceremony to mark the end of one life chapter before beginning another, or setting aside dedicated time to mourn what you're letting go of. Rituals don't need to be elaborate - they just need to feel meaningful to you.
Seeking Community: Talking with someone who can offer non-judgmental support makes a significant difference. This might be a trusted friend or family member, or it could mean seeking out others who've navigated similar transitions - support groups, online communities, or informal gatherings of people facing comparable life changes. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone in feeling this way can provide enormous relief.
Finding Professional Support: Working with a qualified therapist or counselor can be particularly helpful when grief feels overwhelming or when you're struggling to navigate the transition on your own. Therapy can provide tools for processing complex emotions and help you develop strategies for moving forward while still honoring what you've lost.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Life transitions bring real losses. They deserve recognition, care, and time to heal. If you're navigating one of these transitions, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you find your way through.
If you're navigating a life transition and find yourself grieving losses that others might not understand, you don't have to do it alone. I specialize in supporting people through exactly these kinds of transitions. Learn more about my approach to life transition therapy or reach out to explore how we might work together.